The Nice Advice by Leah Albert

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.

 

Dear Leah,

My daughter just graduated high school. She will be 18 in August. She seems to think she has no rules and can come and go as she pleases. She has started hanging around a group of 17-year-old boys and is never home anymore. She doesn’t talk to us unless she wants something. 

She was diagnosed with having ADHD and has been outright disrespectful toward both me and her dad. We have always made sure she has always had everything she needs her whole life and for her to blow us off like we don’t matter really hurts. 

I don’t even want her around me anymore. This is how hurt I am by her behavior. She refuses to work full time, she won’t pay her car insurance or cell phone bill. She gets angry when we try to tell her how we feel or what we see. She is making terrible decisions and will regret it later — but later is too late.

Signed, 

Family Frustration

 

Dear Family,

Although it is normal to try to feel independent at age 18, it sounds like your daughter is doing so in a way that will be harmful to her. She is also at an age where she thinks she has all the answers, even though she does not. The question is what can you do to help her.

It sounds like you have tried to talk with her, not just as a parent (telling her what to do), but as a caring adult (discussing what she wants out of life and what are the paths to getting there). It seems like she is focused on having immediate fun, which for her is hanging out with guys.

Since she is not listening to you or her father — and that is not likely to change in the near future — I wonder if there is another adult who she might listen to instead. Is there someone closer to her age, such as a relative she likes or a friend who is handling life in better ways? If so, it would be great if she could talk to them.

If she refuses to work, then you should consider refusing to pay for her cell phone bill or car insurance. She needs to learn that if she wants to be treated as a responsible adult, she needs to take on some very basic responsibilities.

It is very hurtful to see your child, whom you have tried to guide for all these years and provide with a good life, treat you disrespectfully. The best you can do is set limits on what you will tolerate, for your own sanity and for her becoming more responsible, and try to keep the lines of communication open.

Take care!

Leah