The Nice Advice by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

My 12-year-old daughter has been in the habit of lying from a young age. I believe it’s because she wants to be viewed as perfect by everyone. She has been caught lying; and even when I had no doubt it was her, she had a fit and denied it.

So last month, she started her menses. I accidentally came across her hidden underwear. I explained to her that I feel bad that she felt she had to hide it from me. I wasn’t upset, but I wanted her to know it’s normal and I also gave her a book (that I had gotten a long time ago) called, “What’s Happening With My Body?” She said, “I’m NOT going to read it,” so I hid it inside another book and I put it in her top drawer. I told her she didn’t have to read it, but it’s there as a reference for her.

I know she is embarrassed, so I texted her and said, “How about you text me the next time you get your ‘friend,’” to which she replied, “OK.” I gave her what she needed and hid a supply in my bathroom. I was very honest and open, and matter of fact about it all — I really tried not to make a big deal of it. So, this month, I’ve been waiting, and asking her when she thought she might get it again, and she keeps saying, “No.” I just found evidence in her drawer, and I’m so upset that I feel like crying. What am I doing wrong, and what should I do?

Signed, Discouraged

Dear Discouraged,

It sounds like you do have your daughter’s best interests at heart, but you may be giving her mixed messages about her period. You had a book that she could have used a couple of years ago, well before she got her period for the first time. That would have given your daughter time to feel comfortable with the information before she began to menstruate.

You can’t go back in time, so in terms of what you can do in the future, I would suggest using the term “period” rather than “friend,” to let her know that it’s a normal and natural part of life and not something that has to be discussed using a code name.

If you think your daughter is lying because of her need to seem perfect, that is a bigger issue and needs to be addressed through open discussions, in which you tell her about the pattern you noticed and encourage her to give you her perspective. If you don’t seem to be reaching her, consider family counseling.

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.