Al Batt: There will be weather each day except every third Monday

Published 8:45 pm Tuesday, January 2, 2024

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Tales from Exit 22 by Al Batt

Reindeer sweat isn’t a pretty thing.

Al Batt

The temperature on Christmas Eve in my neighborhood set a record high of 52 degrees.

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Not a single economist predicted that.

The doorbell rang.

I opened the door and a robed visitor accompanied by sitar music walked in out of the dimming twilight. The renowned mystic from the Far East part of the township, the fabled soothsayer, the seventh son of the seventh son of the seventh son, the oracle from down the road, Swami Davis Jr. took a break from selling fortune cookies to stop by with his predictions for 2024.

A spirit of divination indwells the Swami, a muse of unearthly clairvoyance who makes Nostradamus seem like a flawed speculator. Swami is a gifted savant who knows little but suspects a lot and reveals all to those who give tribute. As a fearless, feckless and foolish seer, he is without peer even though unreasonable zoning laws discouraging the ancient Roman practice of haruspicy (divining the future by examining the entrails of recently slaughtered beasts) hamper him. In an uncertain world, the Swami brings more uncertainty. Many have called him a bum seer and a purveyor of impaired prognostications, but his mother has labeled him “uncannily accurate.” Swami Davis Jr. is a reader of palms and tea leaves as he takes an orange pekoe at the future while polishing his cloudy crystal ball (it doubles as a bowling ball).

“Swami Davis Jr., who illuminates the dark corners of our culture and whose knowledge is unsurpassed, oh wise Swami, thou vessel of infinite wisdom, who is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent, tell me, your humble implorer, what the future holds,” I entreated, knowing my future lies ahead. I’m atwitter with anticipation.

Swami is a cowboy who rounds up predictions. He sees into the future by turning his car’s rearview mirror backward, producing a Magic 8 Ball in the corner pocket. Even though he believes you can’t handle the sooth, here are his bold, yet intentionally vague prediction headlines for 2024.

It snows on the Fourth of July to make up for our brown Christmas.

The average person spends nine days a year trying to find the end of a tape roll.

Minnesota Vikings play Manchester United to determine which form of football is the best.

Challenged calls in baseball decided by fan voting.

Flat Earth Society cruise ship falls off the end of the earth.

Man with a wooden leg attacked by a gang of beavers.

After a weeklong search, a man’s eyeglasses found on the top of his head.

The Minnesota Gophers won’t play in the Super Bowl.

Lottery winner uses his $755 million prize to buy three tickets to a Taylor Swift concert.

Two new cars are introduced: the Ford Flintstone and the Jeep Jetson. The extended warranty on your vehicle is about to expire.

Man falls and sues the travel agent for planning the trip.

Taylor Swift dates your brother-in-law for three weeks before dumping him because he wasn’t worth writing a song about.

Rollercoaster shuts down because of mountain goats.

Doorbell camera thefts skyrocket.

Snowman flunks out of summer school.

Man, who stops at nothing, fails his driver’s test for the 37th time.

George Santos claims to have won the presidential election.

The rich become richer and the middle class becomes middler.

Rare bookstore specializes in telephone directories.

Curmudgeon invents a car that holds its loud music inside.

Climate protest canceled due to heat.

Santa arrested for probable Claus.

Economist lauded for predicting eight of the last three recessions.

Politician claims his plagiarized speech was plagiarized by his opponent.

Minnesota Vikings plan to put 17 players on the field on every play and hope the referees won’t notice.

Politician refuses to concede after a January poll declares him a loser.

Screaming Baby Airlines offers the lowest fares.

Toasters found to be the leading cause of toast.

There will be weather each day except every third Monday.

It could be worse.

Please remember that predictions are difficult to make, especially about the future. Your future will be so bright you’ll squint. It’s a pie crust to be filled sweetly.

What went around will come around. Tomorrow will be another day — probably last Tuesday.

Good times will roll.

Al Batt’s columns appear in the Tribune every Wednesday.