Opinion

Al Batt: It rained tiny Halloween pumpkins that bit me

There was something in the air. I was trying to weave my day into a seamless garment when ...

Opinion

Al Batt: Fall is the time to schedule a pumpkin spice colonoscopy

I saw a grizzly bear caterpillar. It’s going to be a brutal winter.

Opinion

Al Batt: My buttonholes were due for a major upgrade

We could all use an upgrade.

Opinion

Al Batt: Hoping for no Buick Bisons or Lincoln Lemmings on 494

I wasn’t shuffling off to Buffalo.

Opinion

Al Batt: Outgrabe, Irish wristwatch, headbutting while texting and pilfering seagulls

I tried to say, “Irish wristwatch” three times quickly.

Opinion

Al Batt: It’s better to have a landline than a land mine these days

I swallowed a mosquito. I’m an adventurous eater.

Opinion

Al Batt: Last winter had been peaked, puny and downsized

The air carried the scent of a dirty athletic sock that had been microwaved.

Opinion

Al Batt: Let the good times roll—Toilet Paper Day is Aug. 26

It’s an August sublime. I’m still eating sweet corn, and the Minnesota Twins are still in the running. ...

Opinion

Al Batt: It was the first time a hush fell over that crowd

A cat owns my wife and me. We have three litter boxes because cats are territorial about those ...

Opinion

Al Batt: The best used by date is today; don’t take anyone for granted

I hadn’t heard from him since he went off to college at the South Dakota School of Mimes.

Opinion

Al Batt: A driver wearing only one mitten might be lost

Technically, nothing is lost until I stop looking for it.

Opinion

Al Batt: Visit the upcoming county fair and pick up a few calories

The Inuit have 50 names for snow cones.

Opinion

Al Batt: The raspy whisper of hoarse radish called to me

I’m an apex predator hunting for radishes, vital ingredients in a radish sandwich.

Opinion

Al Batt: Hey, Rover and Tabby, spit out that grass over there

It was a catchy little tune.

Opinion

Al Batt: I love the smell of wet squirrels in the morning

I couldn’t see a sun in the sky. It had either overslept or clouds covered it.

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