Column: Tales from Exit 22

I was in the Indianapolis airport. I walked by one of those shops selling items at prices that convinced me that the proprietors had no clue as to what the going price was for anything.

It was there that I saw a T-shirt that read, “Nothing tips like a cow.”

Maybe it was made to be worn by waiters at vegetarian restaurants.

A week later, a fellow from Boston asked me about the rural pastime called cow tipping. Supposedly, bumpkins like me sneak up on a dozing cow, give it a push and then run as if our feet had wings. Not the greatest entertainment value even at no charge.

The Bostonian asked me how often I tipped a cow. He was disappointed to hear that I had never tipped a single bovine. You wouldn’t want to bother a bull; it’s not easy sneaking up on a cow, and cows do not tip easily. It’d be like tipping a 1,000-pound concrete statue that is capable of running. If we could tip cows, the wind would be able to as well.

I gave the man from Boston some good advice. Tip your waitress. Don’t tip cows.

Have you ever wondered?

If the National Weather Service has a window?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Did Prozac end the Great Depression?

Would people read more if there was a remote control that turned the pages for them?

If violence is never the answer, why is football so popular?

If you buy something you don’t need, are you stealing from yourself?

Will the wind power farms use up all the wind?

How do you find out who is the president of the Liars’ Club?

Why someone who plays the President in a movie or in a TV show makes so much more money than the actual President makes?

Poodles wear sweaters. Do they ever wear poodle skirts?

Did you know?

That even after laser surgery, you will be unable to make toast by staring at bread.

It was Colonel Mustard in the study with the candlestick.

One hundred percent of the people bitten by a rattlesnake were close to the snake.

Ask Al

Customers of this column ask the greatest questions. The answers are mine.

“When can I drive on a frozen lake?” When you don’t fall in.

“How can deer tell me what kind of winter is coming?” If the winter is going to be harsh, the fur on the north sides of their bodies will be thicker than that on the south sides.

“What is the secret to successful home repairs?” To have them finished before someone tells you that you are doing them wrong.

“Why shouldn’t I use wet logs in my fireplace?” Because you should always let weeping logs dry.

“Why do women love men in uniform?” Because those men have shirts and pants that match.

“What is a group of skunks called? A phew.

“My air conditioner doesn’t work. Any suggestions?” Have you tried shampooing the air first?

“Did your father-in-law give your wife away at your wedding?” He wouldn’t give her away. I’m renting her by the month.

“What was Isaac Newton famous for?” Universal gravitation, the three levels of motion, and having a delicious filling.

“I put a seashell to my ear and didn’t hear the ocean. What’s wrong?” You likely had a shell that was playing the Dead Sea.

Hartland news

I have a neighbor named Hartland Harold. He knows what is going on. He is a newspaper in Red Wing boots. Here are the local headlines according to Hartland Harold.

Police search for jokester who sprayed the watermelons with hair-in-a-can at the Aisle See What We Have Grocery.

The Burp and Belch Buffet offers wheelbarrows to frequent eaters.

Story about amphibians to be on the evening newts.

Because Monday comes on Tuesday next Wednesday, the regular Thursday meeting of the Farming Philosophers Forum will be held on Friday this Saturday because Sunday is a holiday.

The $1.29 Store opens, hoping for a higher clientele than those of the dollar stores.

Two small cities, Two Bits and One Horse, decide to share a policeman. He will be the area’s first sharecopper.

The Sausage Shop opens a bed and breakfast. Guests will have the opportunity of going from bed to wurst.

Longtime vinegar factory worker, Dan Druff, suffers from pickled hearing.

Doctors without boarders. Splint Eastwood’s Clinic unable to rent out apartments.

Ray King’s Landscaping Service offers on-the-job terraining to new employees.

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.