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Tales from Exit 22 by Al Batt

I don’t read my horoscope.

I read my wife’s horoscope so I know what to be prepared for.

Why don’t I read my horoscope? I’m kept pretty busy gazing off into the distance. Besides, I’m waiting for the movie. But for many people, reading the daily horoscope is a habit they hold near and dear.

I don’t believe in astrology. I believe I’ll eat a Honeycrisp apple. Why don’t I believe in astrology? I’m Pisces, born under the blinking exit sign. Pisceans don’t believe in astrology. Why? It’s because we’re Pisceans.

But for those who do believe, here are today’s horoscopes for the 12 zodiac signs.

Aries: Stop doing that. Everyone knows it’s you. Your superpower is trigonometry. Please use it wisely and not for evil. Try not to think of your massive buildup of earwax. Leave undone all the things you’ve done.

Taurus: The bull. Walk faster to keep mediocrity from lapping you. It will help you get in shape to become a world champion box elder bug roper at the Insect Rodeo held in Bee, Nebraska, every 37 years at 2:34 p.m. on a Tuesday to be named later.

Gemini: You are the sign of the twins, so eat two jelly doughnuts. You aren’t the worst of the lot. If you want to be the worst, you’ll need to work at it. You can always serve as a reasonably bad example. A mysterious box will arrive at your door. It will be from Amazon.

Cancer: Time will heal a hangnail, but the knots in your shoestrings will last forever. The good news is that you have the momentum. The bad news is that it’s bad momentum. Appreciate those who tell you that you’re not always right, but only the first time they tell you.

Leo: You are the sign of the crab. Come out of your shell and tell everyone you were part of a moon landing, even if no one will believe you. You will abduct aliens from outer space and teach them there is a wrong way to put things into a dishwasher.

Virgo: Get eyes tattooed on your eyelids so your boss won’t know when you’re sleeping. This is a good time for you to stock up on flashlight batteries and sprinkles. Put forth more effort into your book manuscript, “1,001 Uses for Used Dental Floss.”

Libra: Everybody says you’re not paranoid. They say that over and over again. There are days when that’s all anyone ever says to you. It’s time to take that “Kick me” sign off your favorite shirt, finish your geology degree and become a rock star. In the meantime, run serpentine.

Scorpio: If you want to get through the day without injury, don’t move. There’s nobody else like you. That explains the appreciative applause from others. Something is headed your direction. It might be a meteor.

Sagittarius: You’re probably breathing right now. Keep it up. Your day will be mostly up and down. Maybe it’s time to put the trampoline away. Save water by showering with your car.

Capricorn: You are the sign of the goat. Stop head-butting people. You will develop a sudden interest in $1 billion. Cheer up, you still have more parking tickets than ex-spouses. Try not to think about the Diet of Worms and don’t paint yourself into a Capricorner.

Aquarius: You will go nearly an entire day without taking a single photo. No one will believe you did that. A wily coyote will attempt to drop an anvil on your head, but a 1974 Plymouth Road Runner with a loud horn warns you just in the nick of time.

Pisces: Pisces is the water sign, so moisturize. This may not be a good day for you to walk naked the entire length of the bike trail. It’s because you have no sense of direction. You will want to do something you’ve been meaning to do. Explore the unimaginable, but do not lick the toaster again. Don’t try to find tater tot hotdish. Wait for the tater tot hotdish to find you.

We’re human. We all make mistakes. That’s why we like to have a daily horoscope to warn and instruct us.

It gives us something to blame for our mistakes.

Al Batt’s columns appear in the Tribune every Wednesday.