Column: Tales from Exit 22

My doorbell rings.

I open the door and a robed visitor accompanied by sitar music walks in. It’s the renowned mystic from the Far East (the eastern part of the Township), the fabled soothsayer, the seventh son of the seventh son of the seventh son, the oracle from just down the road: Swami Davis Jr. stops by to give me his predictions for 2012. He knows little, but suspects a lot. He excels at predicting everything but the future. He dispenses forecasts like a bad vending machine.

The Swami has been indwelled by a spirit of divination, a muse of unearthly clairvoyance. The Swami sees all, knows all, and reveals all to those who proffer tribute. A savant of such gifts that within his psyche lie the limits of human understanding. As a fearless, feckless and foolish seer, he is without peer. Even though unreasonable zoning laws that discourage the ancient Roman practice of haruspicy (divining the future by examining the entrails of recently slaughtered beasts) hamper him, you can take his predictions to the bank. They will provide records for use during your bankruptcy proceedings. Many have called him a bum seer and a purveyor of impaired prognostications, but at least one person (his mother) has called him “uncannily accurate.” Swami Davis, Jr. is a reader of palms and tea leaves — he takes an orange pekoe at the future. His crystal ball (purchased at a rummage sale at Bowling Elaine’s Tenpin Alley) is back from the shop after having its foreteller replaced.

“Swami Davis, Jr., who illuminates the dark corners of our culture, whose knowledge is beyond compare. By contrast, Nostradamus is nothing more than a flawed speculator. Oh, wise Swami, thou vessel of infinite wisdom, who is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent, tell me, your humble implorer, what the future holds,” I entreat, knowing that most of my future lies ahead.

Swami Davis, Jr. is a cowboy who rounds up predictions. He can see into the future by turning his car’s rearview mirror around. Here are his bold predictions for 2012.

Although no one asked, a county commissioner will declare that he’s not running for president. Donald Trump runs for county commissioner. Voters will be required to get “I’m eligible” tattoos in order to vote. “None of the Above” will be reelected.

Minnesota lures a job from South Dakota. The governor has a fence erected to keep Minnesota businesses in.

In a cost-saving move, a local high school graduates the sophomore class.

Smoking outdoors will be allowed on an odd/even street basis.

A new cell phone with a rotary dial will become a retro sensation.

New study finds that coffee eliminates women’s prostate problems.

A football coach’s house will be egged. Four eggs are broken on the road, two eggs hit trees, five eggs hit the neighbors’ houses, and one egg finds its target and hits the coach’s home. Police suspect the prank to be the work of a Viking quarterback.

A third half will be added to the Super Bowl to allow more room for commercials.

Dozens of dead cats are found outside Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe.

A member of Congress quotes Descartes, “I think, therefore I am.” Congress disappears.

A new e-book will be so realistic that it will give paper cuts to readers.

The Minnesota Gophers leave the Big 10. Their new football schedule will include DeVry, Barbizon modeling school and 10 online colleges.

The NBA speeds up the game by eliminating all traveling calls and painting more lines on its courts making 4-point and 5-point shots possible.

The Twins reduce ticket prices on off-days.

In an attempt to attract more hunters, the DNR offers a hunt-and-release season.

Local residents are both surprised and flattened when a strong wind blows straight down.

As mail volume declines, mail carriers take on the additional duties of filling potholes and delivering pizza.

The Police Department gets an unlisted phone number.

Determined to become a ski resort area, the city of Two Bits makes a mountain out of a molehill.

Starbucks opens a location with a Caribou inside.

The Fiddler on the Roof contracts shingles.

Andy Warhol said everyone would have 15 minutes of fame, but thanks to the Kardashians using far more than their fair share, no one else will get even 15 seconds of fame.

The Mayans will welcome free 2013 calendars.

In an uncertain world, the Swami brings more uncertainty to light.

What went around will come around. Tomorrow will be another day — probably last Tuesday.

 

Hartland resident Al Batt intends to survive the 2012 Armageddon.